It’s been four months today since my mom died.
There’s so much to freak out about it’s impossible to write it all down.
One strange fact I can’t let go of: Salem was about 4 1/2 months old when she lost her Nana, whom I know loved her the most. Salem is now almost 9 months old. I have taken comfort in the fact that Nana knew Salem for more than half of her tiny, short, just-beginning life. She loved her for 4 1/2 months.
Two weeks after my mom died, I could still stay that she knew Salem for most of her wild baby life. Two months after my mom died, I could still say that she knew Salem for more than half of her bold little life. But very soon, the math will turn around. 4 1/2 + 4 1/2 = 9. After Salem is 9 months old, my mom will have known her for less than half of her sweet, perfect life. As time goes on, the overlap between Salem’s life and my mom’s will become very, very tiny. A dot on the timeline of both of their lives.
My mom spent a little over two weeks, total, with Salem.
She held her when she was 8 days old:
She held her for a week at Christmas:
And she held her in March when we visited Cleveland over Spring Break:
I have maybe a hundred, or more, photos of my mom with Tyler. But this is all I have of my mom with Salem. Five photos. Five photos of my mom and my bitty baby who is her mini-me.
It’s the lips, and her smile. We see her Nana in her every day. Even Tyler calls it out when he sees her “Bonnieface.” I can’t believe my mom isn’t here to see her grow up. Tyler, either, but even at 2 1/2 she could have a conversation with him, play with him, read books with him. They say he won’t remember, but he might surprise us all. Salem doesn’t have a chance.
She has five photos.
In those 5 photos you can see alot of special love that only a grandma has for her grandchildren. She is smiling down on all of you every minute of every day. I love how you are keeping Bonnie in your babies lives so they will remember her that way. Sending you hugs and prayers.
Oh, girl. But Salem has you. and you are the heart of your mother incarnate, and she will know your mom through you, from the way that you simply love her to every quirk you ever picked up from her. Your mom raised you to love and do it right, and you’ll get to not just be that for Salem, but you’ll get to pass all that on to her too. As unfair as it all is- Salem still has the legacy of kindness and love that your mom built, which she clearly has done an incredible work passing on to you- and is still so lucky to have had her nana, even for a short time, in doing so. I’m sorry Amy and I’m thinking of you.
No words……..just I love you